Well, all of this stems from this weekend at Molly's meet. Friday, my mom, Samantha and I drove to Notre Dame together. My dad was already there, so we all watched her race together and then went out to eat afterwards. It was slightly awkward, all of us being together, but it was still nice at the same time. Even though it was a little rough, I always appreciate when my parents try and act even slightly normal and be civil enough to have a nice time together, because it is so rare when we can all be in the same place at the same time. So then after dinner, my dad and Samantha drove home. This should have been the first warning sign; my dad driving home, that is. And the reason it would be a warning is because my mom had booked two hotel rooms and told my dad he could have one. But he said he was just going to drive back to Rockford for the night, then come back again in the morning, which is odd. So these plans were already going to happen, and Samantha simply decided to join him so she could work the following day.
So, the next morning, Saturday, my mom and I woke up and drove over to the meet for Molly's first meet. I kept trying to call my dad to see where he was. I wasn't worried initially because there was still plenty of time until the race. However, it kept getting closer and closer to her race and he still wasn't answering. Finally though, he answered. He said he was there and that he was sitting on the far side of the bleachers in the balcony. I thought that this was weird because that meant he had to have been there for a long time because otherwise he would have had to walk right past me to get to where he was. Then he adds, as if it is no big deal, and says, "just so you know, I brought Kathy with me." His girlfriend. His girlfriend that he had told us about over Christmas break and I have tried to forget about. His girlfriend that he had said we didn't ever have to meet. His girlfriend that we could decide when, if ever, we wanted to meet her. I almost lost it right there and then. Tears started trickling down, and I didn't know what to do. At first I thought I was going to hyperventilate. My mom was standing a little ways away and knew immediately that something was wrong. She asked if my dad was there and I just pointed to further down the balcony. She asked if he was alone and I said no. She also immediately almost lost it; but not tears, to anger. She was furious, and rightly so. She couldn't take it; She couldn't stop pacing around trying to calm down and not barge right over there. She did actually go over there, just stood right behind them and said, "Kathy? Paige." and walked away! ahaha...Not that any of this is funny, but my mom cracks me up, as you will see a little later too. So we watched Molly's race and then went down to find her. My dad also went down to find her, but thankfully left Kathy in the balcony. He didn't tell Molly though. We were standing there, me, Molly, my mom and dad talking about the race, and my mom said she would be right back. My dad seemed fidgety, but still stayed to talk about the race. I could hardly look at him I was so hurt and mad. And the worst part was, Molly was oblivious, but I sure as hell wasn't going to say anything. I know she gets as upset about things as I do so I definitely didn't want to be the one to tell her when she still had a race to run. My dad said he was going back upstairs, so Molly and I talked for a bit. My mom came back and seemed more frazzled than before. She was pacing, her heart was pounding, and she was talking to herself. Molly went to cool down, so I talked to her a bit to see if I could help and she said she went upstairs to talk to the bitch. She told me the conversation while interjecting her own commentary that included quite a few embellishments and expletives. The main points of the convo included Kathy telling my mom that my dad was a very wonderful man..you can imagine how my mom probably reacted to that one, and the other doosie, was Kathy practically rubbing it in to my mom that she did have her degree. That cut the cake since it was volunteered information and it is known that my mom did not finish college and that has been one of the hardest struggles financial wise since the divorce. So anyways, both my mom and I were pretty wound up and angry to say the least.
Well Molly came back over and we spent the day touring the campus waiting for her next race. She kept asking where my dad was saying she felt bad if he was just sitting at the race. Every time we assured her he was okay and to not worry about. It was such an unfair position to be put in because it felt like lying not to tell her, but it was not our position in any way to share that information. It was my dad's place to tell her. And it was information he should have told her weeks ago when he probably made the plans. Well, we were at the campus bookstore when Moll finally decided to text my dad and ask him where he was. He said the bookstore, and she said, that's where we are too. His only response was, do you know that I brought Kathy? Of course she had no clue and got extremely emotional and upset right away. She simply said no. And he said something about how, Oh, I would have though mom or Kiersten would have told you. Which makes me even more furious because that is what he does all the time. He expects other people to say everything for him. And Molly was furious because she was hurt he would bring her there, to her meet, especially without telling her first. And then to top it off, to tell her in a text. Needless to say, we were really upset and when told that he would like us to meet her at somepoint either that day or next summer, I right away said no. There is no way I could meet her. I would be too upset and would not be near ready to meet her out of the blue like that. Well, after avoiding them in the bookstore we finally made it back to the track for Molly to warm up. We sat and watched the race..Dad and Kathy in the balcony, and my mom and I downstairs. My dad came downstairs after her race and we tried to decide what to do. Molly and I were crying the whole time because it was so unfair that we would have to choose between seeing my dad or telling him we didn't want him to come out to eat with us because Kathy was there. My mom made the bold move and asked him if he and Kathy wanted to join us for dinner at Chipotle. He looked at each of us, and I instantly started crying. I feel bad, cause I know it was my fault they didn't come, and I might have hurt my dad's feelings, but I just couldn't handle it. Molly was braver and said she would go out to eat with my mom and I, and when we left, if he and Kathy wanted to wait around she would do something with them afterwards. He agreed, but I was still so upset because I hated him for bringing her there, but was so sad because I hardly ever see him and now had to tell him I didn't want to be with him. So, we went to Chipotle and then left I still haven't heard from Molly on how the meeting went. I told her to tell my dad though that I was sorry for not being able to meet his gf.
I know this was a super long story, and probably doesn't even sound that bad, but for some reason has made me extremely depressed. I can't even think about it without crying. I just feel so betrayed by my dad. And the hardest part I am having trouble with is not knowing where to draw the line of forgiveness. I have really been trying lately to forgive my dad and move on from the hurt he has caused because I don't want to grow old with a strained relationship with him. But right when I come to peace with it as much as I can, this whole weekend happens. I just don't know how many things I can let him do to me before I stop forgiving him. It just is so burdensome and tiring, and emotionally straining to be the one who has to be the bigger person and choose to accept everything if I want to have a relationship with him. I just don't know how much more I can take. I am just glad I have friends like you who will actually read this whole lame ass email ;)
